How NOT to Practice Yoga, Six Lessons from a Determined Pessimist
So, has yoga become challenging and not in a good way? You might want to follow these fine tips to ensure that you’ll be totally justified in just staying home and selling your mat on eBay.
1. You Ditch it for the Gym
Decide you can get the same or better exercise at your local gym. Disregard the fact that yoga does involve weight lifting, your own body weight. But you want to get toned all over? Darn, it’s a pity that yoga will do that, working both small and large muscle groups – in a balanced way.
2. You Feel conflicted about Yoga and Religion.
Ask yourself, “If I perform a Sun Salutation does that mean I’m worshiping the sun and isn’t that leaning towards Paganism?” Forget that major religions teach respect not only for the Creator, but for what has been created. And what about learning those scary foreign words in Sanskrit or Hindi? Be warned, don’t say Jai Bhagwan, Namaste, or assume the Virabhadrasana pose or else, “Instant Karma’s gonna get you/gonna knock you right on the head.”* Don’t forget to ignore the fact that your instructor actively practices her Christian faith.
3. You Believe You Have To Sweat, Dehydrate and Pass Out
Confuse Bikram yoga with other kinds of yoga and make the following assumption, “if I wanted to work out in a sweatbox, I’d go to my gym.” Bikram yoga is the hot stuff, done for 90 minutes, 26 poses, at 105°F. Most other yoga practices are done at normal room temperatures. Be assured that neither kind is good for you, especially if you sweat, even just a little.
4. You Prefer Painkillers and Booze to Ease Your Pain
Be sure to keep your breathing meek and quiet. All that loud inhaling and exhaling is bound exchange germs. Your immune system must be strong enough without yoga, right? Oh, and if something hurts or a muscle feels too tight, breath rapidly, or better yet, hold your breath entirely. Your muscles will expand somehow. Get home and knock back some pain meds. Follow with copious amounts of alcohol.
5. You have the False Perception: “I am Not Worthy!”
Are you feeling intimidated by your teacher or other students? Good! Yoga is a mystical holy practice and you’re probably not really worthy. Please don’t ask questions, just struggle though. And above all else, don’t do any outside research. You’re just not worthy.
6. You’re Too Busy Planning Being Busy
Use the time during Savasana to mentally prepare your daily to-do list. That’s fine, clarity of mind and relaxation are overrated. You don’t need to set any intentions except for wishing the class was over already.
*Lyrics by John Lennon
Yogasync Me! We suggest that if you are feeling ‘over it’ with Yoga, that you give meditation a chance, or mix things up with a few new postures, or even read a few more articles instead of practice. And ask yourself….”Have I ever regretted yoga?”